Okay, so it is happening for real, I'm moving my blog but am not really starting over because my story of waiting until middle-age to grow up, continues.

For some time now I've considered shutting down, moving, starting over, or whatever other options might be available, but realized that it was because I'm ashamed about being such a dunce when it comes to relationships with all people. I wanted to reinvent myself. But, how many times have I tried that and failed?!

It is time to leave Blogstream - though, not completely because everything that has been written here will stay. And, I invite all of my stream buddies to email me for the link to my new blogs. The people on Blogstream are why I've stayed for this long. This has been a great, nurturing community, right from the beginning. A group of us joined in the beginning and that is hard to let go of.

The other day I found an email in my inbox from a woman who had discovered my blog and wrote to tell me how much she enjoyed my writing and photography. I love receiving these messages but didn't find it until nearly a month after it was sent. In her note, she explained that she'd attempted to join the stream, in order to leave me a comment, but was told that no more new blogs were being allowed. I was surprised to learn this.

And then, yesterday, I read some posts from four years ago, simply because that was the last time for surgery and I wanted to know what my state of mind was. While reading those words, I saw the strength of my sense of adventure, the love for Conor, my sense of humor and hope. Perhaps I'm judging myself too harshly, but I haven't noticed those elements in my writing for much of this past year. Have I given up hope or love? I don't feel the enthusiasm in my adventures because there is always something heavy on my heart.

Moreover, in addition to the great people on the stream, I've acquired a group of readers that I don't want. I didn't invite them here and didn't ask them to follow my heart and my adventures. But, of course, this is the internet and no invitations are required. I put myself out there because it is in my blood. Too many are unable to share their experiences and end up living inside of their heads, believing that they are the only ones who do certain things, or think in their ways. As I struggle, learn and have fun, I want people to see that there is no shame in being human. My words help me to see my errors, they give me hope, and they help me grow. And so I write.

But lately, as I've gone through this past year of falling apart in public and have acquired readers who don't support me on any level, I've felt less free. I write that things are good and they resent that, I write about my struggles and they judge that, I write the truth and their titties get all twisted, I write about my plans for the future and they get jealous. I want them to leave me alone and so have been censoring my imagination and my spirit. I've been angry and so I've been telling them off. My writing has been for an audience and not for me, like it always was in the past. I second guess what is okay to write instead of sharing my heart. These things are hard for me to admit but I'm sure it has been obvious to those who know me.

When I began this blog it was a commitment to the raw truth. Not that I knew what my truth was but as close as I could get. I want to go back to writing for myself and if people enjoy reading, great, if not the words are my history. They are practice at sharing myself, they are a digging for the truth, they are growing and they help me to be a better writer. I want to be true to myself.

This is another step in my putting the wretched ugliness behind me. Yesterday someone said that the only thing we are powerless over is alcohol but that we have power over everything else. I couldn't disagree more. I have no power over what other people say or do. None! If someone wants to spread stories, admonish, judge, act better than, or tell everyone else how right they are and how wrong we are, it is none of my business. I can't stop it, I can't correct it and I can't change it. What I can do is accept those things as being part of them and not about me. I don't have to like it, I have to accept it. I have to live my own life, no matter what anyone else is doing. I am not powerless over my perception and actions, those I can change. And I don't have to react in kind - what a big lesson that is.

So, I'm giving people a chance to move on from my life and onto their own, or others if they must, by moving my blog. I am careful about who my FB friends are and so they will be able to find me easier than others. As for the others, if you find me now it will be on purpose and that is on you. You don't like what I write, move on or get over it. They are my words, my interpretations, my experiences, my truths, my joys and my disappointments and they aren't about you. And I can have no joy until I quit letting you eat my lunch. Because we have AA together, along with the principles, traditions and personalities, we will always be connected but I prefer to associate with those who practice spirituality and the essence of the program. Spirituality and meanness towards others (that includes, gossiping, lying, berating, dominating, betraying, judging and ostracizing) do not coexist. Spirituality is an acceptance of others for exactly who they are, forgiveness, kindness, respect, tolerance, love, honesty, integrity and growth and that is what I am striving for.

So, there I go again. I'm done, from now on (or until I mess up again) my words on my new blog are for me. Everybody knows these things within their hearts, they don't really need to be reminded. Burning this stuff into the ground is just my attempt at controlling and changing other people and I don't like that about myself. The end.

I received the biopsy news on Friday evening and that, along with getting back into school, had me hopeful about the future. As I should always be. On Saturday morning I woke up in excruciating pain. My back hurts from time to time and it usually comes from muscles tightened around my spine, which is relieved by stretching and exercise, but this was different. I knew that this was coming but certainly feel like now was not the right time. LOL

About four years ago, exactly, I had two tumors removed from my back. One was large and it sat down amongst the bones and nerves of my sacrum. I was nearly crippled at the time of surgery, unable to stand up straight and in constant pain. I refused to take anything stronger than ibuprofen, which may have caused more harm than good. Well, it depends on whether you are speaking of my mind or my body. When the surgeon extracted the tumor, he was shocked to see how large it was and said that they were not able to get the entire thing. So, I've felt it growing larger but it only hurt once in awhile. Last time, once it gained momentum, it grew rapidly.

I stretched, took ibuprofen, stretched, gritted my teeth and went about the day. But the pain must have wiped me out because I was on the couch, with eyes closed, by 2:30. This morning I wanted to screech but instead, took some more ibuprofen, stretched, laid back down, on my other side, and let it ease off. I am not looking forward to this. What I was looking forward to was moving forward. But it has been awhile since I really took care of my health needs and so this list has been long and it takes time to play catch up. We all have our challenges and some seem to have more than others. Maybe I have more, maybe it is just the way that I process things or maybe it is just more overwhelming because it is just me. None of that matters, this is just one more challenge.

I am still excited about getting back into school and about learning a new level of creativity. I am excited about learning how to do things using the experience and education of others and to not be guessing and struggling.

I keep looking at the sky, in hopes that the fog will burn off and sunshine will fill a portion of the day. I'd like to go back out and see the eagles. I'd like to feel natural warmth on my bones. Actually, it is not all that cold for January in Northern Idaho, not at all, but the air is damp from days and days of rain. I am sure that the dampness does no favors for my back.

My head is torn by the conditions in Haiti, by the dead goose on the beach and by the suffering and struggles of my friends. There is heartache, anguish, regret, happiness, joy and melancholy mixed into every day. The best that I can do is to take care of myself, mind my own business and continue trying to do the next right thing. I am not responsible for your suffering and you are not responsible for mine, no more so than joy or any other state of being. I am fortunate for that which has forced me to stretch my wings and embrace myself with increasing comfort and forgiveness. Acceptance and love of ones self is the primary ingredient by which a new life is founded.

I feel extremely fortunate tonight after getting a call from the doctor who told me that they caught it in time. On Monday he removed two polyps, one was nothing and the other was a thingy that is "associated with a deadly form of cancer," but it was small and not yet diseased. Had it not been caught in time, I would be telling a different story. I am a statistic on the good side.

That procedure was done on Monday and through my foggy state I heard the doc say that they were small and so there wouldn't be anything to worry about. In my heart I knew that he was right, but also knew, somehow, that one of them was a lucky catch. Don't ask me how I knew but that was true. On Tuesday I began the next steps forward in the rest of my life and on Friday, today, I'd received funding to take a class this semester and to begin the spring quarter at another college. I also began putting my future goal of traveling into play. I began moving forward.

I feel so fortunate to have things that I feel passionate about and also to be refining the list. For someone like me, getting down to the bare essentials is an overwhelming task. Or it was, until I did the work this past year of getting to know me. Will I ever want to shoot just one type of bird or one type of event my entire life, no. I am passionate about wild animals while at the same time love the ability to capture people doing what they do. It is hard for me to photograph a landscape without animals or people using it because that doesn't seem natural. I'd love to be in Ecuador shooting the bright colored birds but more than that want to be in Haiti capturing the the survivors of the devastating earthquake. Not only in pictures but also writing the story to go along with the visuals. I could go there and hold hands or pass out water and that would be great but my real talent is in capturing the moments. My first dream would be to travel as a photojournalist, capturing people's moments and my second would be to follow the birds. After that I'd like to visit all of the National Parks. Overseas travels only interest me as a photojournalist, not to take another photo of the Eiffel Tower or the Vatican, but to make peoples lives count. Through my photography and my writing. And, I will write my own story one day.

I calculated the years today, thinking that at my age many people give up their dreams and settle, and realized that there is still plenty of time left. The key, for myself and my physical limitations, is to stay active and moving forward. I can't do these things without taking care of my health. Luckily it is not too far gone that I can't do that.

I am grateful for my passions, talents and the ability to live independently. I don't have to depend on a relationship to validate my self worth and don't have to grab someone up just to be part of a couple. Those things are huge. To be in love would be wonderful also, but to do so at the expense of following my own path, would be criminal. And I'm grateful to have been given the tools that will lead me down my path. Without those tools, or the support of people like me, I wouldn't be able to do a thing. And I've learned that love and acceptance from them has no bearing on me living my life to the fullest. I can do anything, with or without their acceptance of me. If people want to be mean, catty or dishonest, it has nothing to do with me or who I am, it is only about them. I had to get past this last bit of placing importance on other's opinions of me and learn to follow my own path with my head held high. It must suck to have people you have maliciously harmed in your face every day, that constant reminder of setting out with the intent of harm. Yes, no one is better than anyone else.

I still have my moments of anger and resentment but they are no longer ruling my life. I allowed some stuff to stop me along my course and that only caused myself harm. I'm not into that any longer. So, how exciting it is for me to start living my own life! I'll never forget what has gone on but will move on. I'll also always regret some of the decisions I made and some of the things that I failed to see, but will no longer beat myself up with them. They are now part of my experience and hopefully they will help someone else along the line. I will never do anything perfectly and will always wish to have done a thing better, smarter, prettier, wiser, cooler, etc. but that is part of growing, learning and being human. I am me, you are you, live your life and I'll live mine.

Good news, the biopsy scare is over. I had an irritated mole that had become inflamed. I was so scared for a few days, in part because of the doctor's reaction when they saw the thing. And because I'd lost weight without trying or without even realizing that it was going on. And because I haven't felt or looked well in a while. So, tomorrow, one more big test that I'm preparing for now. I've cancelled twice before but this time I'm going to do it. And, hey, if something is wrong and I'm going to die, I could have gotten in sooner.

Actually, health wise, I'm feeling stronger and really feel like everything is on the upswing. My back has been acting up, ever since the fall on the rocks, but it isn't near as bad as could be. So, now, what to do with the rest of my life?

I've spent the past six weeks shooting (photographing) the eagles that have taken up temporary residence 7 miles down the road. It has been great for me, the short commute. Others have come 45 miles or so every day. It was quite spectacular and an amazing opportunity to become a better photographer. I've learned so much from being out there with all of the wonderful shooters who don't mind sharing and helping. What a great group of people! We follow each other around, get in each other's way, compare shots (known as chimping) and give each other a bad time. In my case, I'm one of the few Nikon shooters, while everyone else has Canon. So, when I come walking up I hear these loud whispering chants, "nikon, nikon..." The challenge has made me work that much harder. I will be getting a new camera and lens, just as soon as I can find some major money, but don't know if it will continue to be Nikon. Mainly because of the cost factor. That new Canon camera is sharp! I have to admit. Not that I'd get rid of my good Nikon, that one is a jewel, just not good for birds because it doesn't have the magnification factor.

So, I began the winter whimpering about the cold and thinking that I would have to get out of dodge, to spending nearly every day outside. It took a while to get used to and also to figure out the suitable attire. When I finally got my really cold weather costume down, it wasn't so bad. Except when there is humidity in the air. But, really, we've had a lot of great days. And there was no way I was leaving while the eagles were here.

So, now, I have a dream to travel. My new SUV pulling a small travel trailer and going on the road to see what else is in the world. I want to shoot it all up. I want to go before I'm too old to get out and hike the mountains, to climb rocks or to sit on the ground and get back up. That is where being thinner is great. I have more mobility and flexibility. No longer does my tummy get in the way when I bend to touch my toes. That was a difficult period!

My guess is that this blog will soon be coming to a close. It is time to change my identity to who I'm supposed to be. Past time. I'm not a crusty-middle aged woman any longer, an awkward one who is always putting her foot in her mouth, maybe but not the other. And, I think people are just going to have to give me a chance and get used to me like I am. It really isn't so bad, I'm just not socially sound, which doesn't mean that I am someone to just kick to the curb. If you let me flower, I bet it would be awesome. So, quit your damned kicking!

If I close this blog there will be a new one attached to a photo site and it will chronicle my travels, which I'm sure will be full of misadventure. Can't wait to move on...

Well, the verdict is in and I'm not a brave woman! I'm a whimpering child who is still trying to figure out how the world works. Of course I am because if that weren't so, I wouldn't need to keep working. My guess is that if anyone has reached sainthood and can do my life better than me, than they don't need to work anymore. Being perfect must be a lonely place. What is it they say, "let those without sin cast the first stone," and something about walk a mile in my shoes? Truly, I just give up. I've worked hard during this past year and too much of that work has been spent trying to figure out how to talk and behave so others will like me better and not on discovering who I am. I can't seem to please anyone! The world is full of critics.

So, I think that the best way to move on is to be true to myself and allow them to deal with their own discontent. I am not them and the way I process things is different. I'm working hard to do whatever it is when people who are all grown up and no longer need help, do but as long as that hard work is trying to mold myself to other's ideals, I won't ever get there.

This stuff about how you can think things away and change your feelings at any time is nothing but bullshit. I know how to stuff my feelings and deny them to you and me but I don't know how to process them, work through grief, anger, hurt, etc. so that there is closure on the situation. My hat is off to anyone who can tell themselves that they really don't feel a certain way and then never feel it again. And my hat is off to those who believe they've done all of the work and are now grown up and that their reward will be to walk through every situation in their life with grace and dignity.

It is easy for me to watch others go through tough times and think about how much better that I would do it and quite another to actually go through the experience myself. And, I've discovered that when feeling all superior and better than anyone else, I will quickly get slapped to the ground and have to go through something similar to what I am judging. That is the real killer. The truth is that I don't know what I'd do in someone else's situation. And I don't have a right to judge. I do judge, way too often. I'll do a little inventory for someone (I find that useful to do when not wanting to look at myself) and then remember to be grateful that it isn't me. And remember that everyone has their own path. When I truly don't like someone it is almost always because they have betrayed me, or done something else that is personal to me. Not when they are, in my judgment, behaving poorly in a situation that is none of my business.

So, yah, I need to grow up and that is exactly what I'm doing. Growing pains! Not for sissies! It is much easier to be a bully and humiliate someone in a public way. Or to talk down to someone when their hand is reached out and asking for help.

The truth is that I'm working through a lot right now. And I'd be lying by saying that the whole biopsy thing doesn't have me worried. That will make a lonely person whimper! I'm really worried, in advance, that if it happened to not have a good result, people would demean me if I were trying to talk about my feelings. That is living in today! Guess I'd better toughen up quick and that they'd better just get over themselves. If my life were coming to an end, the last thing I'd want to worry about is what people think about me. I'm really worried about dying alone.

Hey, but right now, at this moment, everything is okay, my heart is just a little twisted but I'll just get over it.